Story 4

Story 4: Not the Man He Ought To Be

Women liked Barnabas for the man they thought he ought to be. There was much to be liked, at least in their minds. Actually, there was a lot to like about Barnabas either way. He was attractive, intelligent, respectful, thoughtful, the list goes on. But the ladies on the dating site always seemed to project their likings onto him.

Barnabas was playing the field and with the attention of so many ladies it was hard to keep track of them all. Life was good until one evening he and Shelly were having a quiet dinner when she informed him, “Barney, I just don’t think it is going to work out between us.”

“Why not?” He inquired.

“Well, I just had this idea that you were somebody else.”

“Who?”

“Not so much who as what,” she replied. “I thought you were a little less laid back. I like a man with some ambition. And, although you are a lovely gentle person, you don’t seem to have any plans for the future.”

Barnabas was shaken. He didn’t go out on any dates for the next two weeks as he reflected on what Shelly had said. Then he called Carol whom he thought might shed some light on the situation. Carol had been his friend for years and an on and off girlfriend. He felt comfortable with her. And, he thought to himself, that was the problem with their ongoing relationship. Carol was comfortable but not exciting.  But comfort was what he needed. So, he called Carol and made a date for dinner.

“Anything exciting or new going on?” Carol asked once they got seated. Barnabas had chosen a sushi restaurant because they both liked sushi and for Barnabas it was comfort food.

“Not so much as exciting, as troubling.” He replied.

“Oh dear, do tell.” Carol’s face was full of warmth and understanding. Just what Barnabas needed.

“Do you think I lack ambition?” He asked.

Carol took a sip of her tea and pondered the question. “Ambition for what?”

“I don’t know, just ambition. Do you think I am ambitious?”

“I really don’t know,” she responded. “But I like you just the way you are.” With that she winked at Barnabas and flashed a warm, slightly mischievous smile.

Barnabas felt reassured and returned to his normal dating practice. His next date with Sarah was going well. At least Barnabas thought so. But Sarah seemed to be holding back something. It couldn’t be that she was seeing someone else. They were just dating and were comfortable not being exclusive. Still there was something about her that made him uncomfortable.

“Is something bothering you, Sarah?” He asked.

“No,” she answered taking a bite out of a bread stick and looking thoughtful.

“OK,” he shrugged and decided not to pursue it.

After a moment, she swallowed the bit of bread stick and washed it down with water. “There is something bothering me. When we first met, I thought you were perfect for me. But, as I get to know you better, I am realizing that you might not be so perfect.”

“You can’t blame a guy for not being perfect.” He protested.

“You know what I mean. You are attractive, intelligence, thoughtful….” She trailed off.

“But?” He encouraged.

“But” Sarah echoed, “you are not very assertive. You let me walk all over you.”

“For example?”

“For example,” Sarah echoed again, “look at just now. You asked if something was bothering me, and I said no to stall for time. But you didn’t press the point.”

“I was trying to be respectful.”

“I know, but that is the problem. You just aren’t very assertive. And the problem is that I just land up feeling guilty for pushing you around.”

“So, what are you saying?” asked Barnabas trying to be a little more assertive.

“I guess what I am saying is that you just aren’t the guy I thought you were. You are really a wonderful guy, but I don’t think things will work out. Maybe I should go now before I get another free meal out of you.”

Barnabas was stunned. Sarah had said, almost verbatim, what Shelly had said.

Barnabas called Carol when he got home. “Do you think I’m not assertive enough? He asked.

“Well, hello,” responded Carol. “I’m fine,” she said with a giggle.”

“OK, sorry,” Barnabas replied. “I’m just trying to sort some things out. Do you think I’m not assertive enough?”

“What’s going on,” Carol asked. “What is all this soul searching about?”

“I just want to know if you think I’m assertive enough.”

“I told you last time I saw you. I like you just the way you are.”

With that Barnabas thanked her and went back to mulling over whether or not he had some things to work on. A week later he had a date with Maxine. He had been practicing being more assertive and to show a little ambition.

There was a pause after the appetizers and Maxine looked expectantly at Barnabas.

“What?” he said.

“That’s what I am wondering,… what?”

“I don’t understand.”

Maxine took a deep breath. “Ever since we got here, I’ve been carrying on the conversation. You respond politely to what I am saying but never offer your own opinions and never bring up your own topics.”

“So, what’s wrong with that?” Barnabas asked wondering if he should point out that women like to talk, and he was giving her the chance to do so.

“What’s wrong with that,” Maxine began, “is that the conversation is all my responsibility. You don’t hold up your end. I know you are a smart guy. There must be some topic that you are interested in.”

“I like your topics,” Barnabas said meekly.

Maxine threw her napkin on the table. “That is what I was afraid of,” she said looking through him more than at him. “You are just not a very interesting guy. Somehow, you are not the guy I thought you were.”

The words stung. He wasn’t trying to deceive anyone. These ladies just kept on projecting their ideal man onto him and he wasn’t it. But he thought maybe he could do better. So, for the next few weeks, he practiced being more assertive. He made plans for his future to make him look more ambitious. And he read the paper everyday looking for things to think about. After about a month he called Carol and made a date for sushi so he could try out his new persona.

At the restaurant Carol wanted to sit where she could see out the window. Barnabas, being assertive said that he wanted to sit there and asked Carol if she would mind taking the chair to his left. She did so tentatively but without complaining.

“You need to be more assertive,” he pointed out. “If you really wanted to see out the window, you should have said something.”

Carol shrugged.

“I have some big plans I wanted to tell you about,” Barnabas began. “I’ve decided to go back to school and get a certificate so I can get a raise and maybe a promotion. I’ve been on cruise control for too long.”

“That’s nice,” Carol said supportively with obvious uncertainty.

“You should make plans too.”

Carol nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Yes,” Barnabas continued. “The economy is slowing down, and I need to get ahead of the curve. Did you see the way the market dipped today?”

“I don’t follow the market,” said Carol uncertainly.

“You should,” Barnabas replied before the words were out of her mouth.

“You can’t just be on cruise control.”

“What has gotten into you?” Carol asked. “You are acting like somebody I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should get to know me.”

“I don’t think I want to,” Carol spat, throwing down her napkin. “I thought I knew you, but I didn’t. Clearly, you aren’t the person I thought you were. I thought you were kind, gentle and authentic. But clearly, you’re not.”

With that she walked out leaving Barnabas even more dumbfounded. And worse yet there was no one to call so he could find out what the problem was.

This story is about 1400 words long. This recording is about 9 1/2 minutes.

Send an email to me at drjohnartz@gmail.com if you have a comment on any of my stories. And please check out my website at DrJohnArtz.com to see other things I have written.